1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,660 I do when you abide. 2 00:00:41,869 --> 00:00:42,869 You're up late. 3 00:00:43,170 --> 00:00:44,790 Out on the rattle last night, was you? 4 00:00:45,270 --> 00:00:47,450 There's only ten pound left in the housekeeping drawer. 5 00:00:48,350 --> 00:00:49,450 Yeah, I know. I've done the shopping. 6 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:50,750 How much did you spend? 7 00:00:51,430 --> 00:00:52,430 Seventy quid. 8 00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,510 Seventy quid? 9 00:00:53,550 --> 00:00:55,430 Where do you go shopping? How red's food all? 10 00:00:56,130 --> 00:01:00,130 Seventy quid? What have we got? Boiling the bag caviar and venison burgers, eh? 11 00:01:01,010 --> 00:01:02,990 Monk salmon fish fingers this week, is it? 12 00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:07,310 That's what it costs, Trace. No, it don't. Don't be daft. There's only two 13 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:10,350 us. Blimey, there's old families living on less than that for a week all in. 14 00:01:12,559 --> 00:01:14,740 silly. I just got a lot of stuff, that's all. 15 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,200 Got a lot of eggs. A lot of veg. 16 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:18,960 What eggs did you get? Golden eagles. 17 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,320 I got a lot of stuff so it'll last. 18 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,420 Because I don't like going to the supermarket. 19 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,620 Last time I was there I was stuck in a queue that made the dole office look 20 00:01:28,620 --> 00:01:29,720 the Marie Celeste. 21 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:35,340 And then the checkout girl puts her hands up for tin of chestnut puree with 22 00:01:35,340 --> 00:01:38,060 price on and starts ringing bells like it's New Year's Eve. 23 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,640 I hate that. I hate it. 24 00:01:42,380 --> 00:01:46,060 Life is on hold until Dilip Patel finds out the price of 500 grams. 25 00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:50,740 And he's just vanished up the Californian corn chip hole, never to be 26 00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:51,740 again. 27 00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:55,620 Probably thought to himself, stuff this for a game of shopkeepers and legs it 28 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:56,620 back to Bangladesh. 29 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,000 And I don't blame him. 30 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,560 Dilip Patel don't come from Bangladesh. He's from Goa. 31 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:05,780 What? Well, actually, he's from Gidia Park, but his family come from Goa. 32 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,440 How do you know? 33 00:02:08,830 --> 00:02:11,610 Because I was stuck in that queue once when they couldn't get the teal roll 34 00:02:11,610 --> 00:02:12,369 in the machine. 35 00:02:12,370 --> 00:02:13,370 Told me all about himself. 36 00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:17,470 He's got two kids, drives a Nissan Sunny with a graphic equaliser. 37 00:02:18,090 --> 00:02:19,390 Is he married then? 38 00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:23,010 Well, of course he's married. What do you think, he had two kids all on his 39 00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:26,790 He could be divorced. 40 00:02:28,150 --> 00:02:29,150 What's his wife's name? 41 00:02:29,570 --> 00:02:30,570 How should I know? 42 00:02:30,830 --> 00:02:34,670 Look, we are not doing Dilip Patel supermarket assistant, this is your 43 00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:35,638 we? 44 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,900 What we're doing is, let's have a go at Sharon for spending too much money. 45 00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:42,480 I know what we're doing, Trace, and you're well out of order. 46 00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:46,700 Look, all this stuff costs money. It ain't my fault. 47 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,380 Oh, no, Cheryl, I'm sorry. 48 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,840 It's just we're not going for our money quick. 49 00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:53,659 Are we? 50 00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:57,800 Yes. We got the bill for the car insurance yesterday, the central eating 51 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,440 had to have it serviced last week, and the house insurance is due. 52 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:03,140 Honestly, I don't know how Daryl used to manage it. 53 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:04,800 Of course you do, Trace. 54 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,280 It's to knock over banks. 55 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,760 It helps to treat with your housekeeping, that does. 56 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:12,300 Because it don't help us. 57 00:03:13,140 --> 00:03:16,460 I'm scared, Cheryl. I was all last night trying to work out how long our money's 58 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,540 going to last us. You know, at the rate that we're going through it. 59 00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:19,999 What's the answer? 60 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,000 I don't know. 61 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,280 I've been so worried about money, I hadn't bought a battery for me 62 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,760 I was going mental trying to work it out of a pencil in me fingers. 63 00:03:28,620 --> 00:03:31,180 Well, I'm no good at adding up since everyone got calculators. 64 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,860 You were so good before. 65 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:34,100 I know. 66 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,080 Anyway, I've got me building site book out, you know, to try and work it out. 67 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:43,080 And? Well, when I go to the building site and they put it in the machine and 68 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,660 prints it all out, what's left at the bottom. 69 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,280 Yes. And then they take it out and they close it to push it under the glass. 70 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,280 Yes. 71 00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:52,540 Well, I never look at it. 72 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,020 Because I'm frightened. You know what I'm like, Shell. 73 00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:59,320 Well, anyway, last night I made myself look at it. 74 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,840 I mean, I came down here first to have a few vodkas, you know, to get me bottle 75 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,720 up. Well, that's why I'm a bit off today, because I'm a bit hungover. 76 00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,860 And now there's no vodka left and we can't afford to replace it. 77 00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:13,400 Actually, I think I'll just get myself an aspirin. Tracy! 78 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,040 What? 79 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,820 Tell me, I'm hanging on here. 80 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,660 Get to the point, how much have we got? 81 00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:21,500 Oh, give us a ear. 82 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,160 Bloody hell. 83 00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,320 Well, there's still a fair bit in here. 84 00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:34,500 But nowhere near how much they should be. 85 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,680 It ain't going to last long at this rate. I think we're just going to have 86 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,639 work for a living. 87 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,480 Yeah, steady on, girl. No need to get carried away. 88 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,460 I won't think of something. 89 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:45,880 Let's look at what we've got going out. 90 00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:47,940 Well, there's one thing going out that we don't need. 91 00:04:48,540 --> 00:04:50,460 What's that? The rent on your place at Edmonton. 92 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,880 Well, we don't have it, Trace. It's my flat. 93 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,160 Yeah, but you live here. 94 00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:57,800 I still need my own place, Trace. Not if you live here, dear. 95 00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:02,030 Well, you never go there. You don't like nothing about it. But still, you shell 96 00:05:02,030 --> 00:05:05,750 out for it every week. You're starved. I don't shell out for it. I mean, when's 97 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:08,150 that Sam was paying rent? He made some sort of cent. 98 00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:11,570 Then now he's in Pentonville, you ain't getting nothing and you're still paying 99 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,570 rent. 100 00:05:12,830 --> 00:05:15,290 I ain't paying rent. The DSS are. 101 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,630 That's what I'm trying to tell you, Tracey. Don't cost me nothing. 102 00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:22,450 Well, is that legal? 103 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,290 Well, you can overdo all this legal business, can't you? 104 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,140 Look, I ain't hurting anyone, am I? They'd have to pay the rent anyway. 105 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,400 I like being here. You like having me here. 106 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:41,080 And I'm not taking a job away from some poor person with hundreds of kids and a 107 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,760 terrible mortgage that needs it desperately. 108 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,300 Everyone's happy, isn't they? 109 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,540 You're all art, aren't you, Shell? 110 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,080 Yeah, I am, yeah. 111 00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:52,640 And there was me thinking you was just a lazy, selfish cow that was trying to 112 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:53,640 make some extra money. 113 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,360 It just shows you how wrong you can be, doesn't it, Tracey? Yeah. 114 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,880 I wonder if the DSS would really appreciate just how public -spirited you 115 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,740 Don't say that, Trace. I've got to go there tomorrow. 116 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,480 Thank you very much. Goodbye. 117 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,640 Mrs Sharon Theodopoulopoulos. 118 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,260 Cubicle three, please. 119 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,200 Hello. Hello. 120 00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,500 Have you done any work since you last signed? 121 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,760 Oh, no. 122 00:06:27,549 --> 00:06:29,530 You are available and looking for work? 123 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:30,790 Oh, yeah. 124 00:06:31,170 --> 00:06:34,110 You just haven't been successful in finding any. 125 00:06:34,870 --> 00:06:36,650 Well, it's the recession, isn't it? 126 00:06:37,450 --> 00:06:41,050 And then again, once people find out my husband's in prison, they turn against 127 00:06:41,050 --> 00:06:42,050 me. 128 00:06:42,490 --> 00:06:46,070 You know, it's a terrible thing, but I don't suppose I'll ever work again. 129 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:47,510 Tragic. 130 00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,490 Phil, there it is. 131 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:52,350 Can't be gyro now. 132 00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:54,850 And you're not cohabiting with anyone? 133 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:56,920 How do you mean? 134 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,200 You live alone at flat 37 Camelot House, Edmonton? 135 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:02,760 Oh, yeah, yeah. 136 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,580 So, why do you collect your diary, then? 137 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,360 Why did we send it to you there? 138 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:10,840 Well, it's not safe. 139 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,620 You know, it might get nicked. 140 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,360 Oh, I see. 141 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,320 Well, if you'd just like to sign to that effect. 142 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,100 Here, cheers. 143 00:07:27,310 --> 00:07:28,310 Thank you very much. 144 00:07:29,830 --> 00:07:31,150 I'd just like to wait a moment, please. 145 00:07:37,810 --> 00:07:40,870 Mrs. Sharon Perpetua Theodopolopoulos. 146 00:07:41,490 --> 00:07:45,550 Yes? I have reason to believe you have made fraudulent statements in order to 147 00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:48,350 gain pecuniary advantage from the Department of Social Security. 148 00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:52,170 You're not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say may be used in 149 00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:53,170 evidence. 150 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,640 social security scrounger, then? 151 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,980 No, I ain't. Uh -huh. 152 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,820 Well, all right, yeah, I suppose I am. Well, I never knew that. 153 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:08,440 How interesting. 154 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:14,480 I really would like to know exactly how it felt when they collared you. 155 00:08:15,180 --> 00:08:20,900 What? When you first felt the dread hand of the law on you, and you realised 156 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:26,620 that you were facing the horrors of a trial, prison, and social disgrace. 157 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,140 Prison? Ain't that bad, doll? 158 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,020 Oh, I think it is. 159 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,940 You see, there's a big crackdown now on social security fiddling, and quite 160 00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:37,000 right too, if you ask me. 161 00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:38,260 We didn't. 162 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:44,660 You must tell me all about it. It must be dreadful to see your whole world fall 163 00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:48,800 apart in front of you, to know that from now on you will have a criminal record 164 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:52,420 and that you will never be trustworthy again, no matter what you do. 165 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:56,140 And you have actually experienced this. 166 00:08:59,020 --> 00:09:02,960 You see, in this book that I'm writing, this is what happens to my heroine. 167 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:04,060 Pussy, go lightly. 168 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:12,320 So, I would really appreciate it if you would tell me exactly what it's like. 169 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,140 What? She gets done for fiddling the Social Security. 170 00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:20,090 Oh, don't be silly, Tracy. Of course she doesn't. She is charged with insider 171 00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:24,770 dealing, defrauding the Bank of England of £20 million, murdering her bisexual 172 00:09:24,770 --> 00:09:29,070 lover and smuggling 800 kilos of cocaine into Manhattan. 173 00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:35,030 Of course, it's possible I have slightly over -egged the pudding at this point, 174 00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:37,590 but the basic feeling must be much the same. 175 00:09:37,990 --> 00:09:41,970 And of course, you know what it's like queuing for a pittance in those awful, 176 00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,570 smelly public assistance offices. 177 00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:50,260 You see, I've been toying with the idea of popping in a strand of gritty social 178 00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:54,380 realism to try to reach the left -wing audience as well as proper people. 179 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,880 So you could be a great help to me. 180 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,440 When did you start writing this book, then, Dor? 181 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,320 Ever since I met Dominic Laszlo at one of Marcus's parties. 182 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,780 He runs the Chigwell Writers' Group. 183 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:10,860 Dominic Laszlo? 184 00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:13,840 Well, his real name's Kevin Pratt. 185 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,220 He just writes under the name of Dominic Laszlo. 186 00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:22,660 Can't think why. 187 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,640 So where else does this pussy go lightly? 188 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:32,020 Well, she has a series of affairs with well -muscled, well -endowed young men 189 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,840 who have highly developed sexual techniques. 190 00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:39,720 And who on earth are you going to ask about them sort of experiences? 191 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:43,380 Those sections of the book I shall draw on my imagination. 192 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:46,060 So. 193 00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:50,190 What's it like to be prosecuted by the Department of Social Security? 194 00:10:51,130 --> 00:10:52,770 I ain't being prosecuted. 195 00:10:53,950 --> 00:10:55,350 I don't know what happened. 196 00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:58,890 They just said I weren't living at Edmonton. Well, you don't. You live 197 00:10:59,210 --> 00:11:01,610 Exactly. Yeah, but they don't know that, do they? 198 00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:02,950 Well, clearly they do. 199 00:11:03,390 --> 00:11:04,590 Well, how did they find out? 200 00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:06,990 Well, have you been to Edmonton lately? 201 00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:09,450 No. Well, there you are. 202 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:14,070 There's probably a dreadful letter there, threatening you with all manner 203 00:11:14,070 --> 00:11:17,330 dire consequences, which they assume you have ignored. 204 00:11:17,810 --> 00:11:18,810 She's right, Shell. 205 00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:19,950 You ought to go and check. 206 00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:21,830 Yeah. 207 00:11:22,190 --> 00:11:23,490 Will you come with us, Trace? 208 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:25,470 If I have to. 209 00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:29,810 If there is a letter like that... Yeah? Will you keep it for me? 210 00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:34,870 You see, I would like to know exactly what they say just before they prosecute 211 00:11:34,870 --> 00:11:35,870 you. 212 00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:39,350 If you don't knock it off, Dawn... 213 00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:43,230 pussy going lightly is going to find out exactly what it feels like to get a 214 00:11:43,230 --> 00:11:44,230 smack in the mouth. 215 00:11:49,030 --> 00:11:51,430 Stuff me. This is a bit strong, isn't it? 216 00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:54,430 Yeah. 217 00:11:56,770 --> 00:11:58,550 Blimey, she don't write about nothing else. 218 00:12:01,830 --> 00:12:02,830 No. 219 00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:06,470 It's good, isn't it? 220 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:10,390 Oh, no. 221 00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:13,090 Oh, my God, what's she want to do that for? 222 00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:17,370 My Daryl never did nothing like that, thank God. 223 00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:20,790 She's wild, isn't she, Dorian? 224 00:12:21,370 --> 00:12:22,630 Where'd she get all this from? 225 00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:24,670 Don't be daft, Trace. 226 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:28,090 The woman's been researching this book for the past 20 -odd years. 227 00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:30,870 Do you reckon she'll sell this? 228 00:12:31,510 --> 00:12:32,970 Well, I'd certainly buy a copy. 229 00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:36,230 As if the vice squad ain't burnt them all first. 230 00:12:37,850 --> 00:12:39,770 Do you reckon this is based on real people? 231 00:12:40,470 --> 00:12:41,470 I wonder. 232 00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,410 I wouldn't mind bumping into this Tarquindi winter. 233 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:49,150 Because either one, she says, is well -indared. 234 00:12:49,950 --> 00:12:51,610 What do you mean, the one? 235 00:12:52,550 --> 00:12:53,910 According to her, they all are. 236 00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:58,370 I tell you, if this is based on fact that Dorian Green's been a hell of a 237 00:12:58,370 --> 00:13:04,870 luckier than I have... I'm half worried, Trace. 238 00:13:05,930 --> 00:13:06,990 About the Social Security. 239 00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:08,710 Yeah. 240 00:13:09,210 --> 00:13:10,790 I don't understand it. 241 00:13:11,070 --> 00:13:12,650 Well, you ain't done nothing wrong, have you? 242 00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:15,170 No. So it's bound to get sorted out, then. 243 00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:17,710 There'll probably be some letter or something when we get to Edmonton 244 00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:20,490 Oh, no, there's another one. 245 00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:23,030 Another what? 246 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,670 Another one like Tarquindi Winter. 247 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:35,940 bloke you were talking to at the supermarket? 248 00:13:36,340 --> 00:13:39,140 Are you sure his name's Philip Patel? Of course I am. 249 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,080 He had his name on his badge, didn't he? 250 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:42,960 And he's married? 251 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,520 Yes, I already told you. 252 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:45,720 And two kids. 253 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,460 Why are you so interested? 254 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,060 No, it's just we got chatting when he was packing me a carrier. 255 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,800 He asked me out. 256 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,320 He never. 257 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,120 Why wouldn't he? 258 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,300 People do ask me out, you know, now and again. 259 00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,419 I ain't a letter. 260 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:01,680 I thought you said he disappeared up the California country pile. It's just 261 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,100 poetic cross -name, wasn't it? 262 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,320 Oh, I get it. 263 00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:09,280 It's a different bloke. Of course it's not a different bloke. How many Dilip 264 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:10,380 Patels are there? 265 00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:11,860 That's four million. 266 00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,780 It's like John Smith in India, isn't it? 267 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:18,500 It is the same bloke. He asked me out and all. 268 00:14:26,830 --> 00:14:31,350 Send it over here every week. Why can't they send it to Chigwell? 269 00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:34,190 Because then they'd say, I was living with you, wasn't I? 270 00:14:34,570 --> 00:14:35,750 That's what I keep saying. 271 00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:38,230 Where's that music coming from? 272 00:14:38,690 --> 00:14:39,710 That's not music. 273 00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:41,010 It's motoring. 274 00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:44,570 It is a note. 275 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,510 Oh, no. 276 00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:49,990 Have they changed the locks? 277 00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:51,570 No, 278 00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:54,290 look. Google. 279 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:13,140 Hello, darlings. 280 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:14,580 And what can I do you for? 281 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:16,520 Who are you? 282 00:15:16,820 --> 00:15:17,820 Cedric. 283 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:19,780 What are you doing here? 284 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,820 Squatting. 285 00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:24,280 Well, you can squat off. This is my flat. 286 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:25,680 Your flat? 287 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:26,740 Yes. 288 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,300 You chose this wallpaper then, did you? 289 00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:31,940 Well, my husband, did you? 290 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,080 Blimey. You married a right plunker, didn't you? 291 00:15:37,580 --> 00:15:39,380 Well, yeah, I did, as a matter of fact. 292 00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:43,140 What's that got to do with anything? What are you doing in my flat? 293 00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:44,380 I told you. 294 00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:47,240 Squatting. Well, you can't. I live here. 295 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:48,580 No, you don't. 296 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,340 We've been here two months and there were squatters here when we come. 297 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,560 Well, what happened to them? 298 00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:55,400 Egbert asked them to leave. 299 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,180 They was very good about it. 300 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,400 Egbert? 301 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,000 Well, who else is here then? 302 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,700 Just me and Egbert. 303 00:16:09,140 --> 00:16:10,280 Egbert's a transvestite. 304 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,060 Stella and Elvira sort of hang out here and all. 305 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,200 You all named Theo Potter or something? 306 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:20,960 Yeah, why? 307 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,720 We had the social come round asking if you lived here. 308 00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:25,260 What did you tell them? 309 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,020 Told them I'd never heard of you. 310 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,280 Well, I hadn't. 311 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,060 You were social security scrounger then. 312 00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:33,620 And how did you get your money? 313 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,000 I begged. 314 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960 Begged? Yeah. 315 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,420 I beg people not to force me to hit them. 316 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,020 I started small, you know, little acorns. 317 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,080 Got any spare change, guv, I used to say? 318 00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:49,360 Now I say, give us a tenner, scumbag, or I'll give you a right spanking. 319 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:52,600 My salary went up by 2 ,000 % overnight. 320 00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:56,700 You want to talk inflationary wage claims, you'll have a word with me. 321 00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,140 And I hate people what punts off the state. 322 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,640 Yeah? Well, we ate squatters. 323 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,520 These ladies was just leaving, Egbert. 324 00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:10,500 Egbert? 325 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,560 What, you said he was a transvestite? 326 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,980 Probably his day off, Trace. 327 00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:23,760 You can get squatters out these days, you know. 328 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,500 Marcus has had to organise it for clients before now. 329 00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:31,200 Yeah, but it's all solicitors and courts and paying for bailiffs and things. 330 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,700 I couldn't do all that. 331 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:34,260 Well, neither did Marcus. 332 00:17:34,910 --> 00:17:37,090 He just paid a gang of thugs to thump the crap out of you. 333 00:17:39,210 --> 00:17:41,170 Oh, pardon my French. 334 00:17:41,790 --> 00:17:43,310 He said it had to be cost effective. 335 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:45,670 Well, we can't do nothing like that. 336 00:17:46,050 --> 00:17:49,210 Really? I would have thought you were very well connected in the appropriate 337 00:17:49,210 --> 00:17:50,210 circle. 338 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:51,390 What? 339 00:17:51,790 --> 00:17:53,530 She thinks we know a lot of villains. 340 00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:55,490 Well, we don't. 341 00:17:55,710 --> 00:17:58,110 We're just the same as you as far as that goes, Dor. 342 00:17:58,390 --> 00:17:59,470 What on earth do you mean? 343 00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:02,470 We didn't take that much interest in our husband's work. 344 00:18:03,010 --> 00:18:04,010 Oh, I see. 345 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,980 Well, it's the council who have to do all this, not you. 346 00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:09,840 Yeah, but then they'll find out I ain't been living there. 347 00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:12,920 And then they'll evict her. And then they'll do me for claiming the rent off 348 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,200 them. And if I don't get rid of them, they'll do me for cohabiting or 349 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,680 subletting. My word, you are in a pickle, aren't you? 350 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:23,840 Trace, couldn't you ask your Daryl? 351 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:25,140 Don't he know someone? 352 00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:26,699 Someone who? 353 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,220 You know, he's got the frighteners on him. 354 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,640 Don't be daft, Shell. We ain't the mafia. 355 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,200 We could serve time for pulling a trick like that. 356 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:37,020 But if the... No, don't even think about it. We are not criminals. 357 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,600 Well, Sharon seems well on the way to becoming one. 358 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,540 These corn chips are absolutely delicious. 359 00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,060 Where did you get them? 360 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,900 I nicked them from Tesco. 361 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:53,220 I think they're in all day, sleeping. 362 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,960 Sleeping? 363 00:18:55,200 --> 00:19:00,660 Yeah. Well, they're up all night playing records and rehearsing for their album. 364 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,160 Their album? 365 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:03,680 They're musicians. 366 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,300 Well, then, why haven't they got a place of their own? 367 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,340 Because they're very bad musicians. 368 00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:13,160 Oh, God. You should hear the noise they make. 369 00:19:13,860 --> 00:19:18,700 They make the sex pistols sound like the Academy of St. Martins in the fields. 370 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,120 That's an orchestra. 371 00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:26,060 I've got a tape of them doing Vivaldi's Four Seasons. 372 00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:27,380 Oh, right. 373 00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:33,310 And I got Beethoven's Pastoral, Mozart's Orn Concerto, and the New World 374 00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:35,370 Symphony. Oh, nice. 375 00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:36,810 It was nice. 376 00:19:37,490 --> 00:19:40,750 It reminds you of one long commercial break. 377 00:19:41,710 --> 00:19:46,990 You keep being reminded of low -fat spread and toilet papers. 378 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:53,650 And there's one, you know. It's done double glazing, loo cleaner, pot 379 00:19:54,090 --> 00:19:55,270 and them nappies. 380 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,560 Where the baby's drier after he's done the gym than he was before. 381 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,580 I could do with a pair of them. 382 00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:11,680 There was only 50p each. 383 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,360 The tapes. 384 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,700 But I didn't pay nothing. 385 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,440 Yeah, about the squatters, Irene. Why didn't you pay nothing? 386 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,020 I put her address. 387 00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,000 I got them from the record club. 388 00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:26,960 Send no money, it said. 389 00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:29,580 My address? 390 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,260 Oh, don't worry. I didn't put your name. 391 00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:36,980 Now, you see, the postman always gave me your parcels when the place was empty 392 00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:39,500 like. So I got a lot of stuff through the post. 393 00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:42,640 I just looked at the ads that said send no money. 394 00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:46,440 Yeah, look, about the squatters, Irene. 395 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,280 Oh, they're terrible. 396 00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:51,500 None of us don't get no sleep at all. 397 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,460 None. Ever. 398 00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:57,330 That's why I jumped at the chance of staying here for a month. 399 00:20:58,270 --> 00:20:59,270 A month? 400 00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:02,030 No, I said a week, Irene. 401 00:21:02,350 --> 00:21:03,349 Did you? 402 00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:06,130 Oh. Well, have you asked them to be quiet? 403 00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:07,970 Yes, we all have. 404 00:21:08,510 --> 00:21:09,510 Asked them nicely. 405 00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:11,350 Hundreds of times. 406 00:21:12,110 --> 00:21:13,230 They're nutcases. 407 00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:16,770 They chop up firewood all for the night and all. 408 00:21:17,870 --> 00:21:19,070 But I ain't got a fireplace. 409 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:21,690 I know. 410 00:21:23,670 --> 00:21:24,670 It's worrying. 411 00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:27,590 Makes you wonder what they're chopping up. 412 00:21:28,430 --> 00:21:31,010 All right, Cheryl, you win. We'll ask Daryl. 413 00:21:31,670 --> 00:21:34,830 No, it's all right, Trace. I don't want to get your Daryl into trouble. 414 00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:37,170 We'll ask Chris. 415 00:21:42,150 --> 00:21:44,030 You can get rid of him. 416 00:21:44,810 --> 00:21:48,430 You have a word with Batty Harold and he pops round to see them. They'll soon 417 00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:49,690 see things your way, don't worry. 418 00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,190 What do you mean, pops round to see them? 419 00:21:52,590 --> 00:21:54,850 At 3 .30 in the morning with a few of his mates. 420 00:21:56,090 --> 00:21:57,690 Is he called Batty because he's nuts? 421 00:21:58,030 --> 00:21:59,030 No, he is nuts. 422 00:21:59,410 --> 00:22:00,530 He's a raving lunatic. 423 00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:03,610 He's called Batty because he likes to bat people. 424 00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:05,910 Or the baseball bat. 425 00:22:07,670 --> 00:22:11,130 Whenever he has to deal with any opposition, he always says, I'll open 426 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:12,130 batting. 427 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,100 You leave it to me. 428 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,000 But he might seriously hurt someone. 429 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:19,760 Well, not if you tell him first. 430 00:22:20,860 --> 00:22:22,420 Harold's one of the nicest people I know. 431 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,860 You never do any dubiation unless you actually ask for it. 432 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,060 So then, what do you want? 433 00:22:28,300 --> 00:22:30,420 Full work, so just duff him up a bit? 434 00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:32,820 No duffing up. Just get him out. 435 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,280 Oh. 436 00:22:34,660 --> 00:22:37,300 Well, it seems a shame when you're paying for it not to have a full 437 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:39,920 I mean, it is included. 438 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:41,460 You know. 439 00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:43,300 He's a real gentler now, Harold. 440 00:22:43,740 --> 00:22:45,260 It'd kick the shit out of anyone, no extra joy. 441 00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:48,880 He likes to give good value. 442 00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:53,880 Look, it's bad enough having to deal with thugs without encouraging extra 443 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,200 violence. Oh. 444 00:22:56,220 --> 00:22:57,500 Well, you've got to do something, doll. 445 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,380 People don't scare that easy. 446 00:23:00,860 --> 00:23:03,660 All right, he can smash a few things up, but nothing else. 447 00:23:04,340 --> 00:23:05,640 Remember, some of them are women. 448 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,240 Oh, don't worry, don't worry. 449 00:23:07,540 --> 00:23:08,540 Harold ain't like that. 450 00:23:08,780 --> 00:23:11,020 He ain't the slightest bit sexist. He'll thump anyone. 451 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,620 They'll be taken care of as well. 452 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,580 Chris, we are not communicating here. 453 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:22,640 Just give me his number, I'll have a word with him. 454 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,160 Don't be daft. 455 00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:27,540 You mustn't have any contact with him, that's the whole point. 456 00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:28,980 Oh, dear me. 457 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:32,100 No, no, no, you leave it to me, I know what I'm doing. 458 00:23:32,380 --> 00:23:33,380 God, blimey. 459 00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:35,620 If I left it to you, you could end up in prison. 460 00:23:40,980 --> 00:23:41,980 What's a mogul? 461 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,120 It's a businessman, isn't it? 462 00:23:46,020 --> 00:23:48,860 It says here, descended from a mogul prince. 463 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,600 Oh, that's an Indian bloke. 464 00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:52,820 Oh. 465 00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:56,340 Oh, there's a surprising thing. 466 00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:00,160 What? This mogul bloke... Yeah? 467 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:04,500 Well, he's got one thing in common with... Tarquindi Winter! 468 00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:05,920 Yes! 469 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,320 Hang on. 470 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:13,660 What? 471 00:24:15,210 --> 00:24:16,210 Bloody hell. 472 00:24:17,770 --> 00:24:23,610 She who once had had a prince as a sex slave, had ridden two hounds with dukes, 473 00:24:23,650 --> 00:24:29,050 and eaten at the tables of kings, was now reduced to a squalid council flat in 474 00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:30,550 Camelot Tower, Edmonton. 475 00:24:33,150 --> 00:24:38,690 Pussy wept through bitter tears, and through blurred eyes saw the fat cockney 476 00:24:38,690 --> 00:24:39,690 girl... 477 00:24:43,980 --> 00:24:46,900 at her with her coarse peasant features. 478 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,860 Who does she think she is, eh? Coarse peasant features? 479 00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:55,620 She'll have coarse bloody features when I've finished with her, won't she? 480 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,980 Well, you don't know it's you. 481 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,440 Of course it's me. 482 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,400 She's put my slut in a dress down here, for God's sake. 483 00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:07,300 I'll kill her. 484 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,260 Horrified at being 485 00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:13,860 to this revolting creature. 486 00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:17,780 She says, Dorian Green is meat. 487 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,080 History is what that snobby cow is. 488 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,960 She has breathed her last of Chigwell air. Take it from me. 489 00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:31,700 Hello? 490 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,580 Oh, hello, Irene. 491 00:25:33,780 --> 00:25:34,780 Get home all right, then. 492 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,640 Are you sure? 493 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,160 Well, that's great. 494 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:43,860 No, it's all right, Ira. You leave it to me. 495 00:25:44,380 --> 00:25:45,380 Yeah. Ta -ra. 496 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:50,540 The squatters are gone. 497 00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:55,580 Eh? The police were investigating the stream of mail order, Thess, and they'd 498 00:25:55,580 --> 00:25:56,499 all left it. 499 00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:57,680 We've got to go round there pronto. 500 00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,320 What, this time of night? 501 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,340 Yes. We've got to get one of them 24 -hour key people to change the locks, 502 00:26:03,340 --> 00:26:04,340 it secure. 503 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,620 Oh, God, this is great. 504 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,880 I ain't got me car show. I never paid the insurance. I was hoping to save 505 00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:13,140 It's okay, Trace. 506 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,680 I know someone who owes me a favour. 507 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:22,520 Hello, Dorian. 508 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:29,320 Yeah, I know it's late. Look, it's the revolting Fat Cockney here with the 509 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:30,620 course peasant features. 510 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,340 Yes, sorry to horrify you by being on the same phone line as you, but... 511 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:41,860 you have got a God -given chance to avoid being severely dafted up the next 512 00:26:41,860 --> 00:26:42,860 I see you. 513 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,280 Is it based on real life, then, Dawn? 514 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:54,240 Well, of course, Dawn. In a way. I mean, I do improve things here and there, you 515 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,060 know. Oh, yeah? We know how you improve things. Don't worry. 516 00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,460 Is your latest boyfriend in it? 517 00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:01,260 Well, in a way. 518 00:27:02,180 --> 00:27:03,240 Who's her latest boyfriend? 519 00:27:03,660 --> 00:27:05,380 Didn't know she had one myself until just then. 520 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,000 Is it Tar Queen'sy Winter? Oh, no. 521 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,500 Tar Queen's Luke, innit? Well, thought of. 522 00:27:13,580 --> 00:27:16,380 So, who's your latest bloke, then? No one you know. 523 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,040 What's he do? 524 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,000 He's in merchandising. 525 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,480 I know who it is. Do you? 526 00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:24,420 The mogul prince. 527 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:26,280 That's right, yeah. 528 00:27:27,540 --> 00:27:32,500 Are you going out for mogul prince store? Well, not exactly. I said I do 529 00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:34,380 things. He's a high -caste Indian. 530 00:27:35,389 --> 00:27:36,389 What's his name? 531 00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:39,050 Delete Patel. 532 00:27:43,170 --> 00:27:44,170 What? 533 00:27:45,990 --> 00:27:47,350 Nothing, nothing, darling, nothing. 534 00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:50,150 Oh, God, this is great. 535 00:27:51,910 --> 00:27:53,090 I've got my flat back. 536 00:27:53,490 --> 00:27:56,870 Social can't prove I don't live here now. They can't touch me for anything. 537 00:27:57,250 --> 00:28:00,430 Yeah, and not only that, but we can get our money back off of Betty Harold. We 538 00:28:00,430 --> 00:28:01,430 don't need him now. 539 00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:02,830 Oh, that reminds me. 540 00:28:03,290 --> 00:28:05,410 We'd better cancel him. Don't want him coming round, do we? 541 00:28:06,870 --> 00:28:11,110 I'm not sure when...